I don't know what I want to do with my life

I love talking to people about what they want to do with their lives. I'm obsessed. And when I ask people about it, the most common response I get: "I don't know what I want to do."

I'll pause, and they'll launch into a story about how they're weighing their options, or exploring what they want or...and here's my favorite one..."trying to find themselves." (why? when did you lose yourself to begin with?)

But before they can get too far into their story I deliberately interrupt them... and I quickly ask them the classic (and at this point cliche) question, "What would you do if you knew you couldn't fail?"

If you time that question just right, so it comes completely unexpectedly, you'll immediately get a response. It's like magic.

"That's easy! I would be an astronaut! (other common responses include: rock star, pro athlete, and President of the United States).

What happened? A second ago, they had no idea what they wanted to do...but now after asking a slightly different question, they responded quickly and congruently.

"What would you do if you knew you couldn't fail" is a brilliant question. It gives people permission to tell the truth. It does so, by temporarily taking our greatest fear off the table, "Am I good enough?"

I have a hunch that people generally do know what they want to do, but they dismiss it because it sounds silly, unreasonable, risky, or just not practical.

Which is absolutely fine. I honestly think there's value to consciously choosing not to strive for your first choice for one reason or another...but don't lie to yourself. Don't tell yourself you don't know what you want to do. Tell yourself the truth:

"I do know what I want to do, but I'm afraid to pursue it because I don't think it's achievable and it's just not practical enough. So I'm searching for a safer second best option."

Much more difficult to say isn't it? Well...you always have another choice: Become an astronaut.

Comments

[Wandererfrombirth]

I appreciate the sentiment behind the post, and there were a lot of good points you made, seriously. But...your main premise seems a bit condescending. Did it occur to you there may really be people who genuinely don't know what they want to do? I honestly find it a bit depressing that I've reached 25 and have no special passion or even hobby that I enjoy strongly enough to think "I want to do that!" And the whole what I wanted to be when I was 6 doesn't work either--I wanted to be an author, but interests change over time, and although a part of me enjoys writing, it doesn't hold the appeal it did at age 6, and in terms of things that "impassion" me it's no higher on the list than rock star, professional soccer player, translator or foreign war correspondent. All I know is I want it to be something international, and although I've taught English in Turkey and Argentina, I didn't particularly enjoy the teaching side of it (the overall experiences were incredible) and certainly wouldn't want to make a career of it. Now I find myself telling everyone that after Peace Corps I plan to get an MA in International Development, and researching accordingly, without even knowing if that's what I want to do, or having a narrower concentration within that very broad field. If I'm honest with myself, at the moment I'm felling somewhat halfhearted about the prospect. So no, I don't know what I would do if I knew I couldn't fail! Still enjoyed the post though :)

[counter height tables]

Very insightful ideas. I have to start thinking about the question myself now.

[Ilze]

I am 30 years old - have a good income -dont particularly dislike my job butdont particularl like it either. Lets say I like my job but hate the politics of it. There is however no passion left.
When I was a teenager I was so sure of myself, sure what I wanted to do but since the age of say 25 I became a confused mess. I have already changed my career and in my third job. I did well and exceeded in all of them but feel like I am loosing myself and dont longer know who I am - I thought the older you get the more sure of yourself you become. What would I do if I know I cannot fail .....

[ab]

What about those who honestly don't know what they would do if they couldn't fail?

[JP]

Reading your post, I was starting to roll my eyes saying 'Again?' But the second part is a great twist :)

[Joseph Sherman]

I love the line "I have a hunch that people generally do know what they want to do, but they dismiss it because it sounds silly, unreasonable, risky, or just not practical." A friend of mine loves to make homemade chocolate. He tries new recopies, including a killer saffron blend, cooks at all hours of the day and night, and even completed a three month course in chocolate making. Chocolate is his passion, but he refuses to see it as a viable career because it is not a "real job."

[Prasant]

Now I too know that they are people like me who donot know what they want to do with their life.Even if they know , they are afraid to hold to their dream. So they go into the second best which never work.I have been into school job 20 yrs before,I tried initially to be in a better job.But later i outgrew and thought of entrepreneurship, writing and public service in future course.I also want to something new to relationship.But I lost 20 yrs in mere contemplation.I am a bit late but I still decide to go down my chosen path.I think one the young people should decide early what to do.

[Katie deSouza]

Someone at work ask me this one time. My initial thought was - I would do what I'm doing now - b/c I like my life and I like my job. But don't we all want to be more than we are now, we learn and grow each day so we can become more... more of who we are and who we want to become.
My actual answer - If I knew I could not fail... I would procrastinate - because part of trying something new is the surprise and the uncertainty of not knowing if I will succeed or fail. If you always knew the outcome - would you still be as exciting to go through the motions?

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[Megan M.]

Woo, THIS is a POST! Exceedingly excellent, dude.

[Michael Bungartz]

It is an unfortunate, but all true fact that so many fall into this feeling of "not knowing". What a passion killer. But as you said Al, it isn't that they don't know but that they don't know if they can actually succeed at it.

Fearing failure kills dreams! When you were five years old and someone asked you, I bet you'd have an answer for them:

"Detective!" "Astronaut!" "Explorer!" "Fireman!"

At that age we didn't factor the possibility of failure into the equation. Babies learn to walk only because they aren't afraid to fall, or more accurately, they don't factor falling into the decision whether or not to TRY. Funny how kids can have it more together than adults.

Personally it took me 27 years to figure out what I wanted to do and in many ways I'm still figuring it out. But every time I tried something and it didn't work out or I realized it wasn't what I wanted, I learned something about myself. Sometimes finding out what you want to do in life isn't a simple answer to a question, but journey into self discovery.

Regards, Michael

[mike chitty]

There is no doubt that this is potentially a life changing question.

It IS also a cliche.

What makes the difference is the nature of the relationship that you have with the person who you are asking. If you have respect, credibility and trust - then the question will be taken on board.

Ask it too early though and you look like just another cliche ridden life coach.

For me, enterprise and entrepreneurship are great processs through which people can 'find themselves' and allow their true identity to emerge.

Done well this is a thing of beauty.

I have written more about this topic at http://tinyurl.com/djxwsx and http://tinyurl.com/aqgweq

The art of 'enterprise coaching' is not just about having great questions - it is also about having the relationship that permits you to ask them.

[Scott B.]

Wonderful post!

I have asked many people this and have received "that is so cliche" in return... hrmph... so much for helping people...

[Tabitha Hamon]

A man I can only describe as a 'child of the world' once asked me this when I was 18 we were training to wait tables the summer before I went to college. Changed my life.

I passed it on. And now that I'm graduating, my friends are all running around like headless chickens like they've forgotten who they are... so I pass it on very, very often.

Great post :)

PS- He never finished training that week and disappeared from my life forever. I wonder where he ran off to...