Who are you? The way you answer this simple question is what we call your identity. And the need to act consistent with your identity turns out to be one of the strongest forces known to man.
But who you are, how you behave, the way you carry yourself is different depending on who you're with isn't it? In fact, if I put you in a room with all your family, friends, and coworkers...you wouldn't know how to act!
We often have very different identities for the different communities of our lives. And its useful to know what those identities are...because they're influencing you right now.
For example, who are you in your family? Are you the funny one? The serious one? The overachiever? The underachiever? The rebel?
What about at work...are you the smart one? The lazy one? The honest one? The creative one?
Once your identity is established, it's incredibly hard to change it. Because you're compelled to act consistent with your identity no matter what. For example if you're the clown at family gatherings, even if you don't feel like telling jokes, or if you've grown out of it, you may feel compelled to do so anyway because...you're the "clown."
If you're the underachiever among your friends, when things start going well...you may sabotage yourself because hey...you're the "underachiever" and that's the 'you' people are comfortable with.
It's important to realize what your "relative identity" is with all the different communities of your life. Because they're no doubt shaping you.
The question is are they shaping you the way you want?
If not, it's up to you to change it. But remember your identity is not only your perception of yourself, but the way others perceive you. And people usually don't like change. It scares them. So they'll probably be uncomfortable with the new you and want you to stay the same.
So you have to be courageous enough to change and stick with it despite what those people think.
So the question is who are you? Or more importantly...who do you want to be?
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Posted by: Deepthi Nair | 04/19/2009 at 11:20 PM
I'm always the same pretty much everywhere. I'm loved or hated but never not noticed or lukewarm. It makes it hard to keep a job sometimes, but being me? Piece of cake. Fortune 500 exec...okay, living in a van...okay....everything in between? Okay...
I grow and change - meaning when I learned to set boundaries, to say no, to take care of myself - who I was "changed," and that made people uncomfortable, but once I decide it's good for me I don't care so much really what the opposition is. The "me-ness" has always been the same. I just matured (some. but not too much.)
Posted by: Becky Blanton | 04/17/2009 at 06:28 PM
I have dealt with the pressure of personal identity crisis for quite some time. Growing, at times, into severe personality disorder. I have found that the best way to combat the issue of finding who you are "comfortable" with is to find the you that you are so proud of that no matter who you are around you will want to be that "person".
just my two cents,
Andrew, Andy, Elvis, Burns, Chops, Sideburns, Bert, Bernie... or whatever name i may adopt today
Posted by: Andrew Bertrand | 04/17/2009 at 11:18 AM
I eventually settled into whatever persona it is that I'm now comfortable with. But in the "early" days (say up to age 30 or so) I changed job several times and each one had an unexpected liberating effect as I was able to implement publicly whatever personality changes had built up during the previous employment. There was a distinct release of pent-up psychological pressure that, with hindsight, may actually have contributed to the desire for change.
Posted by: Mike Woodhouse | 04/17/2009 at 03:29 AM